Life: Quarterly Crisis Round 2

I am sitting here drained both mentally, physically and emotionally that I am back on the job hunting scene. This time it’s hitting me like a tonne of bricks.

I am having another leering question over my head. What do I want to do for a lifetime career? Asking this question to a young high school student is one thing but asking a 28 year old who still doesn’t know what to do is another thing entirely.

Decisions Decisions

Sitting in the hair salon having some much needed Me Time I have the time to ponder over what I want out of life. I know jobs are stressful and there is no job that isn’t.

I have always had this problem where I’d juggle around with other careers in my head to see what would suit me or what I’d be good at. Hairdresser, Retail Manager, Policeman or a YouTuber. There are so many things to be that it’s hard to choose from.

Imagine when you were a kid and your Mom or Dad told you to pick 1 candy from the sweet shop. Your young mind is baffled by the colours and arrays of sugary treats that you can’t just pick 1 out of so many options to try. Unfortunately as adulthood syncs in you can’t ‘try’ everything. Sooner or later people will be asking you to choose a career just to move on with your life.


What if I never find a job that makes me happy? What if I don’t find a place that accepts me for who I am? Questions boggle my mind lately and it is disheartening that I can’t find a career that makes me feel like I am helping people rather than just being a number on a payroll.

This is my second quarter life crisis and it’s more daunting this time round especially when your confidence is knocked.

Self Employment?

It has dawned on me the idea of starting my own business and the way I want to run things. No boss just me as the boss.

I’m not a stickler of being told what to do but I don’t want to have somebody looking over my shoulder pointing out everything I’ve done wrong every five minutes.

Honestly I don’t know what to do with this idea. I’d love to open a Wellness shop but it’s a risky business to get into with online businesses taking the lead with the ideals of it all.

I would love to open a reiki coffee wellness center. I am leaning towards the idea of being a full-time spiritual healer or teacher. Along with the idealism of a life coach, where I’m helping people out and who have been where I’ve been.giphy5

On the path not knowing what they want to do.

Vanishing Comforts

No matter how much you hate school or hated the routine. Nowadays I yearn for it, the comforts of knowing for the next 6 years of my life I had a place to go and study.

I’ve recently lost my job and I am losing my way very quickly. I just want to be able to move on and start my life. Even that taster of what I thought I wanted it wasn’t what I expected.

Dipping my toes into the lukewarm waters of cooperate business showed me that it wasn’t for me. Despite thinking I wanted that, I’m how having a crisis of changing careers to move on and try something new.

I have the stale taste of life lingering on my taste-buds and I want to be enlightened everyday to be fulfilled. To come home exhausted knowing I did good rather than drained from repetitive criticism. There is a difference between criticism and helping me learn.
I was shocked by my recent experience on the first rung of that career ladder that not everyone is there to help you.


I never thought I would have been a victim of this but looking back on it now I clearly was.
I opened up that I was a Holistic believer and tarot reader to my co-workers. Majority just wanted a reading but there was one in particular that would call me out and tell me ‘it’s not real’ ‘it’s not accurate’ ‘go ahead predict when someone will die’. Like, whoa! What the hell is that attitude and secondly if I was any other mainstream belief system it would have been called out on and that person would have been given a telling off.giphy3

Now I know it was stupid of me that I did not report it but I was new to the

I did not tell anyone how I felt so I started degrading the fact my belief system was a ‘hobby’ which made me sick to my stomach to say those vinegar riddled words.

Never deny who you are ever! Your belief system was broken and now I have found something that is attune with my philosophy of life. As you may recall here in this blog post. I have learnt a valuable lesson from this recent job and I know I need to stand up for myself more even if I am a newbie in the office. HR is there for that reason I was just too afraid or shy to say anything fearing I would lose my job for that reason. I lost it for other reasons of lack of training and all that but never feel that you can’t report something. Also join a Union to represent you in situations like these.

Ending of a Chapter

This chapter of my career path is done and dusted but I will be moving forward into the next fold of my book. Life goes on and new opportunities arise when you least expect them.

I am just going to keep applying for jobs and post on my Facebook page and YouTube channel to keep me busy. I may start a Twitch schedule if my computer does not die in the process of playing games!

Who knows what is coming up next in my life but at least I know that lessons have been learnt and I can move on from this phase.

Will be writing here more too I have too many unfinished drafts for posts so I will most certainly finish them off!

Until then adios!

See you next time my lovelies!


Dating: Silence isn’t Golden

Hello everyone!

Firstly I have a permanent job and I’m focusing on my training.

Sorry I was MIA from here but I have popped on and wrote out some drafts of dating topics, manifestation and stepping stones to career but sadly today I will be writing about a break up.

Yes, sadly the guy who ended the Tinder Diaries has reopened them once more. I am okay, honestly I am. Just angry beyond belief of how he just gave up or dealt with his feelings about the relationship solo. I got the text after work Wednesday night just past and to be honest my heart was not broken…it was enraged and here is why. We shall call him

‘Theon’ because you all know what that means Game of Thrones fans. No balls.

The Last Night

So following our usual chill out date night in we had our ‘fun’ then proceeded to plan on continuing our Game of Thrones marathon that was started when we first got together. Yes, my newest relationship did not last for Season 7 of Game of Thrones.

Saturday morning after sleeping a lot from the 2 bus ride to Theon’s apartment might I add, he was not beside me? I noticed this at 6am but just went to the bathroom and returned to bed. I passed him in the hallway asking if he was alright, thinking he was ill or had gotten sick. No…my snoring kept him awake. Excuse me? He then proceeded to suggest I get it sorted which I said sure whatever makes you sleep in your own bed.

I returned to the bed thinking Theon would follow but no he retreated to the couch until 11am. It was our second night sleeping over and of course it would take time to adapt to sleeping with someone else there to not starfish them or kick them so it takes time. Although snoring is a bodily function like breathing, can’t turn it on or off just for the sake of it.

When morning broke we cuddled, had our morning ‘exercise’ and then had showers. Whilst I was drying off, I knocked over an antique looking box. It broke and the contents inside weren’t as badly damaged. Theon stormed in silent and concerned about what I had just knocked over off his dresser (which was piled with clothes and my things for spending the night). He gave me a look and said ‘ That was my dead grandmother’s’ then left the room in a sulk.

Me on the other hand I was panicking and shaking like a leaf, because I know what it’s like to lose someone and also have the thing to remember them by be shattered. Then I started to wonder why was it on a dresser where all his clothes were and not somewhere out of the way??

Eventually after calming down Theon came in to check on me. We had a touching moment where we cried but looking back on it I know he was crying for other reasons. We carried on like normal but with this thick fog like tension in the air. It left a taste in your mouth that kind of thing.
Game of Thrones was popped on, coffee made and breakfast. We cuddled but you could tell we were a couple who just had a fight.
When it came to dropping me home it was eerily quiet and we are normally chatty. Before leaving the car I apologized again for breaking the heirloom, told him communication is key in any relationship especially after a fight. I gave him a window of opportunity to talk about anything that was on his mind and Theon took the coward’s way out.

The Disappearance

After I texted Theon ‘goodnight talk to you tomorrow’ he replied the same. Little did I know tomorrow would be 3 days later.

Let me tell you something never leave anyone hanging like that especially after a fight. The mind wanders and that voice in your head suddenly gets more convincing. So I dropped him a text because the antique restoration company got back to me via email. At least it was a valid reason to break the ice, despite having a normal conversation being another idealistic ice breaker.

After work he texted me saying he’s on the way home from work and will text me properly. This is the exact text he sent me:

You’ve nothing to apologize for, we’re both busy people with our jobs.

I am sorry for worrying you. I’ve had a lot on my mind and I needed time alone to clear my head and think a lot of stuff over.

For a couple of weeks I’ve been going over how I feel and I don’t think I want to be in a relationship right now. I really thought I was ready, and expected my feelings to sort themselves in time in to wanting to be with someone. This was why I was happy that you wanted to take things slowly and see how things went, as I wanted to let my head get into the swing of being in a relationship again.

But as time has gone on I continue to have this feeling that Im just not ready for being in a relationship and I won’t lie to you on how I feel.

I consider myself lucky to have met you as you’re a kind, caring and beautiful person who doesn’t deserve to be messed around like this.

I’m really sorry

What pissed me off the most is he has been thinking of breaking up with me for weeks and did not want to talk to me about it. I was not emotionally connected yet nor had we said ‘I love you’ each other yet. Not ready for a relationship my arse! What were the last 4 months then?? If you were not ready for a relationship then do not be on dating sites or apps for that reason.
I am so furious every time I read this text. What really boils my blood is how he acted on Friday evening, being extra flirty, randy and sweet whenever he got the chance. Kissing me spontaneously and stuff like that. I honestly relive that night over and over because he knew he was going to end things yet he wanted to get his fix of getting laid before venturing on the singleton train. Utter an arsehole!

I responded wondering why he never told me and that I was annoyed with him for not talking to me for 3 days. He did not reply to my 2nd text saying I would have understood if family drama was in the way but that should not effect us.

If he ever does read this which I doubt it…here is my unsent open letter to him:

I’ve had a few days now to digest this decision you made long before even breaking the news to me.
Frankly I’m not sad or heartbroken I’m furious and disappointed in you.

I gave you a golden opportunity to talk to me openly and communication is key in any relationship. Even if you made the final decision to end was still a relationship.

I can’t stand secrets or anything behind my back. You should have talked to me about how you felt because I would have understood. I wasn’t emotionally connected or involved yet but it was going that way. Or at least I thought it was.
Four months is a hiccup in a relationship and you didn’t even give us a chance to grow.

I’m so angry at you that the person I cared about ignored me for 3 days to contemplate our relationship in a selfish manner. Not involving me when it had everything to do with me.

Someday I’ll forgive you but not right now. I want to remember the good times as they are rather remember you from this one incident.

I offered you a shoulder to cry on and you refused it…I don’t sleep with just anyone
Feels were probably stirring but no you selfishly snuffed out what could have been. You took my say in the relationship. That’s why I am so mad at you.

I carried on the rest of the week with work and just focused on learning the phone system and new software. I’m flying ahead and I have my career ahead of me with or without him in the picture.

Onwards & Upwards

I’m moving on strong now. I am going to be angry for a while about this because I did care about Theon greatly and thought it was heading somewhere.

He just tucked tail and ran because he was too involved in family dark secrets and afraid of his own emotions.

Now I’m just going to work hard at work, plan a trip to London and just live life. I’m embracing my tarot again and what I said on my Facebook page is true.

Life may have hit me in my blindside last week but yknow what I do not care much about it. I am back with my tarot and working on a blog post. I am sorry for neglecting my hobbies. It should never come to that much sacrifice for anyone. Onwards we go!

Off to work tomorrow and I’ve made a Playlist on Spotify for getting over a break ups. Enjoy and hope you like it! ❤️

I will continue my other posts and during the week so watch this space.

See you soon my lovelies


Dating: The Calm before a Storm ☔️

Hello again everyone so I am back on the dating scene again. Am I officially hip now? I revisited the app that sparked the series Tinder Diaries, here on my blog. Well Badoo was a pile of poo after awhile but I got to say that both apps have their pros and cons. Badoo has a ‘nearby’ feature whereas Tinder does not. Tinder is very prone to crashing whereas Badoo spams you with constant notifications ‘someone likes you!’ ‘ Someone visited your profile’ all the notices you can think of except eviction notices thank goodness.

I took a hiatus from the dating apps of the 21st century to focus on my new job and be more mentally prepared for the next date or guy I give my number out to. Changing my number because some previous tinderers would not take NO for an answer says a lot doesn’t it. Well let’s get into this blog post shall we.

1 out of 15

I reinstalled the little iconic flame app not having a hope in hell that ‘the one’ or a decent guy would actually respond to the simple ‘hi’ ‘hello there 😉 ‘ or the classic ‘what brings you to Tinder?’. I got 15 matches and I greeted all of them but only 1 responded and kept the conversation going! 😳

Not only that he respected my boundaries for Tinder and we had a very natural flowing conversation (still having it a week on). After Tinder had a few crashes as per usual on both our ends I made the brave decision to give him my number 📱. After telling him the previous encounters and why I had a new number he was perplexed and ‘speechless’ I gave him my number.

I just had a gut feeling he was not a dick pic kinda guy, he was decent and just mature enough to realize WOMEN DO NOT WANT THAT.
Get that into your heads fellas when you send a dick pic to a woman she is going to be disgusted that you even thought she’d want that and secondly she will meet her friend for a coffee to laugh at it. I am not kidding the amount of friends I know including myself who have done exactly that just shows you are not going to be taken seriously.

Reeling back to the topic at hand, this guy is so natural at conversing and we have the same likes. Gaming, food and we have not run out of things to say, which is a surprise for me. I even forgot to text ‘good morning..’ one day as I raced off to work and as I looked at my phone he had sent it first. This guy cannot be real? Can he?

Skeptical but hopeful

Where do you let your walls down to someone who is a possible partner? I mean I have been open and honest with all the coffee dates I’ve had and they make up the weirdest excuses after seeing my body type, height or sense of humor. Best excuse I heard was ‘the age difference is obvious’ this is coming from a 32 year old who took his car more as a priority than his teeth might I add. Yeah, because your Skoda Honda Focus Civic is gonna chew your food for you.

I really am excited, nervous and skeptic about meeting this new guy because I do not know what to expect. I be myself and lay myself bare on the table for all to see and they change their mind after an hour. You do not know someone after an hour over a cappuccino ☕️.

Hopelessness was the ball and chain I carried for the past 6 months but then I went to my cousin’s wedding (previous post). Hearing them support one another and how some people mentioned they thought they were not a perfect fit made me feel inspired to attempt dating again. They did not fit from an outsiders POV but on that day you could see the love and 4 years of support was laid on the table. Neither the bride or groom gave a shite they locked eyes and for my cousin a woman who is strong and independent to find someone like him shows love does exist even when you least expect it.

Who knows what could happen but I am Hopeful.

The Freakout

Since it’s been a long time since I have been on a dating app or coffee date heck even have butterflies for someone my mind did a bizarre thing after I agreed to this date.

I suddenly sprang from my comfy cafe chair and dashed around the nearest supermarket. Grabbing random things (I did need some but it was a blitz of flipping out) such as painkillers, makeup wipes, muscular cream and junk food. I grabbed all those random things before getting my bus home.

Today was a hectic day that’s for sure! Job interview and agreeing for a date my goodness! I don’t know where this confidence is coming from 😳

Silver Linings ☁️

The date has been and gone its now Monday and I’m in work smiling like a teenager 😂.

That was one of the very few successful dates I’ve been on and the kiss at the end I was smitten after he left me at my bus. (he even adorably waited until I got on the bus ❤️).

Now I’m going to be honest as I can and not give too much details of how I was feeling as it’s early days and I am rediscovering how my body should be when attracted to someone. Three years is a long time to not be involved with a partner,( I say partner because let’s face it it’s 2019 and there is more than one sexuality out there) so my body reacted in a way I thought had been snuffed out by heartbreak 💔. The fragments of the past have been glued back together and it doesn’t show the same picture or person I once fell for. It has new cracks and shape to it all which is nice to see in myself.

I learnt that looks aren’t everything a long time ago and tinder isn’t the best thing to find Prince Charming based on either no profile or very little.

This will be the ending of Tinder Diaries and the start of my dating journey experiences. Although I’ll put the brakes on somethings as I am one of those people who believe what happens between two people intimately is private and not meant to be sent by a quick photo on a text. People end up getting hurt that way so as a small piece of advice I strongly say don’t send a guy a picture of your breasts, cleavage or lady garden 🌹 because he is not going to treat you like a human only an object.

Please be safe and careful who you are meeting with on dating apps I always told someone ‘I’m meeting a friend for coffee’ so they know I’m with someone and where.

Early days for me and the lucky fish ❤️ I don’t want to give him a nickname or anything just to respect him. So wish me luck and we shall see what happens next.

See you all next time ❤️


Life Experience: Single at a Wedding

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The last week has been the most hectic and overly social week of my existence.
Christmas was nice and relaxing but it is also sort of anti-climatic. I stressed and ran around shopping like a mad woman for nothing? Literally nothing?

Anyway today I will be talking about my cousin’s wedding I attended on 29/12/18. Now just putting it out there I was super happy for my cousin and she looked stunning! Emotions were high and the heartwarming atmosphere made ’tis the season’ make sense!
So now I want to discuss my experience at the very first Wedding I ever attended and the journey to the preparation of this Wedding. Along with being a single person at this wedding.
So I am armed with a hedwig mug of coffee so let’s do it!

Weight Loss

I have worked super hard since August loosing weight for this iconic day for my cousin. I lost 2st 3.5lbs (approx 12.5kg) thanks to Slimming World, I am not one to pine for attention or seek compliments. I’m just not that kind of person, yet I feel like I had to make an effort for all this hard work.
I am still shocked by my behavior but at least I am in a constant battle both internally and with the seeking of approval from the relatives I do not see very often.
I know what you are thinking ‘What?! But it’s your cousin’s wedding not your day’ I know people please I am too kindhearted to NOT notice my own behavior.

After the ceremony we were mingling and I felt so awkward being the only one of my age group not in a cocktail dress or dress for that matter extenuating my female features. I was in a black jumper and trousers which turned out to be too big thanks to my weight loss but I was honestly not happy with myself. I just felt like I was dressed for a funeral more so than a wedding.

I felt like I was a child at a family event behaving and I could not socialize like I normally would cracking jokes and being a social butterfly. It’s like all I could do was talk about my accomplishments to seek approval from these relatives. Worst was I would be talking to a guest deep in conversation finally getting my butterfly wings flapping and someone would step in front of me to cut me off. I was in disbelief to say the least about that, because I have never been cut off so many times by people. It would either be someone of my direct family or another guest which ticked me off. Trying to sound successful in my progress of 2018 I still feel like a fell short. The only topic I could muster out of my mouth was my Slimming World achievements.

A Sea of Plus Ones

So as the ceremony ended with the tying of a wedding knot of colorful ribbons we applauded as the couple were announced Husband and Wife. It made all the trivial drama and spats seem pointless. It was all that mattered and seeing their love was inspiring.
It gave me hope that I will find someone for myself someday but I also noticed I was a single pringle in a sea of plus ones.

I was self conscious about my outfit being so baggy so I could not dance and I could not shake off this unrelenting shyness off! I eventually spoke to the bride to see how she was doing. Asking her if her face hurt from smiling so much and it did. I said it as all beautiful and I could not be happier for her no matter what.
The social butterfly poked its head out of the cocoon every so often but I got tired of this so I spent most of the event with my grandparents and great-aunts and uncles. Now that is not a bad thing because I prefer the elderly in conversation than the youth of my generation wondering where the next pint is coming.

Four Weddings & a Funeral moment

I tried to mingle but it just felt like I had to put the effort into showing off my non-existent plus one love life, career or university accomplishments. To be frank this was just a horrendous personal experience just being exhausted for all this waiting around for hours trying to mingle and be that lucky single to gain a romantic partner after a wedding but my head was not in the game. Lack of food was stuck on my mind and I grabbed what finger food I could when I saw it but when dinner came I was amazed where were seated. I felt like Sophie from Four Weddings & a Funeral.

How can I mingle with my own age group if I was seated at the table of my grandparents, Dad and sisters. I thought it was a little unorthodox to click me in with my younger siblings rather than a table of young before 30 year old. Then people wonder why I am not with anyone and when will I get married? I simply just said ‘I do not know someday’. Why is it that my family want me to rush through all of life’s milestones as if there is a timer. Sure, my ovaries have a timer but I have a decade left before that kind of talk happens. I really do not understand how a relatives that ignore you for years on end decided it is their duty to tell you to hurry up and get married.

I want all that I want all the loving and supportive relationship but it cannot be with just anyone. There is no ‘that’ll do’ kind of person out there I want someone who is my equal but mature enough to think of the future together.

A Tinder Speech

It was not until I heard the groom’s speech on how the couple met but he was officially introduced through the bride’s sister. Although this plot to match on Tinder came up and my face dropped, because I called it!
I said in a previous blog there will be speeches at weddings ‘man, if I didn’t swipe right we would not be here today’. I was in shock of trying to not laugh but you can see all the adults and grandparents in the room not getting the joke or comical relief of the ‘how we met’ story.

They all met at a disco or friend’s house a generation ago or at a dance in the 1950s. We however have a lot more obstacles on how to get a partner. We simply cannot walk up and start chatting to one another. Which did happen to me, the Best Man talked to me but it was ask we forgot how to socialize without an iPhone in our hands. I was stunned how awkward and strange this social experience was?

I am an approachable person but at that point I was exhausted and drained by the day. Love is hard to come by in the 21st century without all this hassle of dating, so all in all despite being the helpless romantic and bitter single at my cousin’s wedding I was really and truly happy for her 💜.


As much as I wanted to stay and party on until 3am with my cousins my ride home was too tired to stay so I had to bale and take my Dad’s taxi offer at 11pm. Eye rolling as that may be I was never more excited to sink into my bed that night. I could have met Prince Charming or some sort of romantic interest but the atmosphere of it being my cousin’s day and family tormenting me on my invisible 5 year plan I had no intention of being hit on.

I wish her all the best and she is off in San Francisco as we speak on her honeymoon. I am riveting with jealousy once again as San Fran is apart of my heart ❤️.

I shall leave it there and see you all soon!!

Closing of 2018

As the Winter wonderland of the festive season is upon us we are slowly coming to the door of 2019.

So what has 2018 brought us? Or more importantly what have I learnt in the last 346 days thus far?
Reeling in the earlier months of the year I was very drained and trying to glue myself back together after being fired from my first job.
It was a valuable lesson for me, showed me I am not capable for a fast pace office (yet) and that Customer Service is definitely NOT in my criteria. Especially when it is with the public. I am just happy where that lesson has taken me, if I was not fired I would not have joined this employment program I am in. Let alone find the company I work for now :).

Slimming World

Another amazing achievement of mine is Slimming World! Joining my local group has by far been the best thing for my mental health and physical health.
I joined in late July and I have not regretted one step of my journey so far! I have lost a total of 2 stone 3.5lbs! Which is little over 13kgs!

The difference that has made on my confidence and health is something I thought could never be achieved, When I joined I was at my heaviest and I felt like not one person would find me attractive let alone myself. I decided to change that when I met one of my idols Pippa O Connell an Irish blogger and fashion icon. I got a selfie with her and a full body photo. I could not bare to post the full body one because I was huge compared to her. To think I met her when she is my inspiration for this blog alone.

I just needed to take the wheel and fix my ways in order to better myself for me in the long run. We were then given the announcement that my cousin was engaged and to be wed 27/12/18. I was then going to take a plan of action lose at least 3 stone before the wedding. This week before the wedding I maintained so my weight loss since July 2018 is 2 stone 3.5lbs (estimated to me 13kg or 42lbs total).
I am unbelievably proud and astonished by my progress so far! After Friday’s weigh in my leader texted me telling me she is so proud of my journey so far. All about the day I called her and asked what is Slimming World all about feeling like a lost lamb.

New Job & Confidence

Starting the employment scheme was by far the best decision I made out of a bad one. I applied to University in 2017 and I got rejected sadly. My backup was this Tus scheme which is an Irish employment scheme to help those who are unemployed get back out there.

I was a little upset that I did not get into University but it just showed me I was not able for it or it was not the right time. Despite being 26 at the time I was on this mindset of ‘time limit’ as if life had a time limit and I was a failure if I did not accomplish anything before 30. My sister saw what this mindset was doing to me (my little sister might I add) and she sent me this video:

It changed my perspective on all of the things that I was worrying over. I do not need to have this lifestyle sorted before I am 30. Everyone’s life is different sure the guy who created Virgin Media did not become famous or rich until he was 40. JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter when she was 49 on a train going to end her life because of all the pressures of life.
Life is too short to be rushing through it all, I worry about the next week and that’s all. I use to have panic attacks years back about not having a career or marriage by the age of 25. I had this constant rush to race to success when I was 19 after leaving Secondary School and it was the worst thing to feel. How is a teenager suppose to know what they want to do for the rest of their life?

Nowadays I am thankful for this steady pace I have for life because I see some people rushing and when they get there they cannot handle anything in their life. They never had a point where they just stopped and chilled out.


Opening the door to 2019 with the feeling of lightness and wishes coming true is such a nice feeling. I have a great feeling about this year being light, airy and stress free for some reason 🙂

We shall see what it has in store for us all!!

I wish you all a very Happy New Year 🎊

Life Experience: A Week with Death 💀

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Now I’ve personally never been at death’s door but I’ve been around people who have or have entered it. Some of you know about my experience with family and friends passing away but complete strangers or new found friends is a new experience altogether.

The week of November 7th-13th will be a haunting memory from now on.

Now I’ve been hesitating to post this blog but you know what? I’m not alone in this. Many of us have lost people and even had strangers move us. So here you go guys!

Stranger Suicide

Dark as that may be this was that beginning of my week.

At work I am just a simple office assistant in a mini bus service. It was just an ordinary day and yet something was off (will get to that later).

Despite my empath aerial going off I got a call from my manager who was doing a bus run. He asked for my co-worker so I passed over the phone thinking it was an update on a booking. About half an hour later my manager returns a bit out of sorts before breaking the news to us that one of the bus drivers had to head home because his nephew had taken his own life 😔

Now I don’t know which bus driver it was or anything about his family. I’ve only been working 4 months and still haven’t got the chance to put a face to everyone’s name. It was quite sad and my gut twisted knowing that I was close to losing someone from suicide not long ago.

Knowing that within the space of 30 minutes someone’s fate was changed. A family suffered a loss and dealt with something so heartbreaking. Amazing how 30 minutes could deliver a pizza or change the life of a family.

My empath abilities kept blinding me despite never meeting this nephew. Just seeing him lying on his bed as if he was asleep, feeling the dismay, heart-wrenching pain from the Mother discovering him. This was the first time I’ve had an empath experience not being near the person. I felt ill walking home after work just the thought of being a mother finding her child.

My Mom once said ‘There’s a word for losing a husband, widow. There’s a word for losing a wife, widower. There’s a word for losing parents, orphan. There is no word for a parent losing a child because it is so unnatural and painful to have a word.’

Old Friends

The next death in the week was my Dad losing his old basketball team mate.

They were pretty damn close when I was growing up as they were the only two who did not drink when the team would celebrate a win. My Dad was more calm about it all and i was just amazed that someone who possibly visited us when I was a kid has now passed on.
As I grow closer to 30 I am realizing that life is dauntingly short 😮 and it is scary how anyone would want to embrace life after the week I have experience.

Dad is not one for funerals but he went to the basketball stadium where they once played together for a memorial service and memorial game in honor of his friend. He found the beauty out of the sadness though. By reconnecting with his old game buddies and he enjoyed himself at the end of it all.

It even made him consider rejoining the basketball team once he gets his foot operation.

Clients Passing

Now this one was not too shocking for me but it did leave a mark. I work in a mini bus service where I have to deal with clients with physical, learning and mobility disabilities.

Since I’m in the office all the time I cannot pair a face to the name just a voice as I am on the phones. In the space of those dates we have had 2 clients pass away. The first I did not know as I have been there for little over 5 months now.

The second one stuck with me as it was a lady I would see regularly on the timesheets. I never met her or spoken to her just her carer. All I remember when I got the news in the office was ‘Wow, we were right arseholes for just complaining about a booking she wanted.’ That was all I could think of!
This client was going to a weekly cooking class and I have no idea how old she was just she was a client and in a wheelchair. It bugged me to think we were so bothered about her getting to a cooking class. Of course, it is one of those things you just take one day at a time.

I just hope she did not suffer passing away 🙏.

Work Friends

I have been writing this blog for little over a week maybe longer now but this one took the cake for me 🍰.

On my first day on the new job I was nervous, excited and lost as I did not know where the office was. So I walked to the friendliest face at the reception desk. A cupid faced blonde girl opened the glass window and greeted me with the sweetest ‘ Hello there! How can I help you?’. She was slightly freckled and around my age. Before embarking up the stairs she exclaimed ‘You’ll do great! Welcome to the building’.

That was how I met my first work-friend, Rachel.

As the weeks rolled by I would do my usual rounds of going down at 11am to get the post from the postbox. I would make the excuse to ask Rachel for the key to have our morning chit chat. She would ask how I was settling in and how was Slimming World the lot!

Each morning of my 3 day week I would get a ‘Hiiiyaaa!!’ with our signature secret goofy double wave. Little did I know on the morning of Tuesday 6th November she was nowhere to be seen. I asked the other receptionist ‘Oh? Rach isn’t in today? Out sick?’. She was just as confused as I but we assumed as such.
Next day no show again. There was no suspicion at all on my end because I went with what the other receptionist told me.

Monday November 12th.
I make it into the office feeling a little uneasiness in the air but I ignored it. Until my co-worker said to us and she was concerned about my reaction.

‘Listen…I do not know how to tell you this but last Tuesday evening Rachel was found collapsed in her apartment by one of the receptionists here. She…died.’

You know that ringing you get in your ears from coming out of a concert. Imagine that but you cannot hear the people in front of you, Sounding like they are submerged in water. A dizzy sensation consumes your head, your chest goes tight from the rapid heartbeat of shock taking over your body.
Rachel was…gone. Just like that gone. From SADS…Sudden Adult Death Syndrome. Basically an adult cot death but can happen anytime.

I could not think straight for the rest of the day. Simple tasks were mere impossible jungles to me. My newfound friend was gone. What made it worse was the Monday before she passed away she asked if we could hangout for a coffee sometime. How I wish I took that coffee just to get to know her more that I had.

People say you are on this Earth for one purpose and God or some other cosmos deity is suppose to decide ‘Well you’re done come back’ then yanks you back? NO! Life should NOT be that unfair! Life is about living but after hearing something like that you would be paranoid to shit! I was gobsmacked beyond belief for the entire week, little things would set me off. I mourned the loss of my friend but I cannot imagine how her family must feel.
Losing someone you love so close to Christmas or anytime of the year doesn’t matter if it was near Christmas or not it is just heart wrenching.
To think their child of 29 would be dead before her 30th or wedding or anything like that just bewilders me.

Mourning Crow

The week was more of a blur than anything else as all I could think of was Rachel. What got me was how fast she was replaced at work. How little people cared if I brought her up?
Some did care like her co-workers in the reception office but nobody else.

It got me so shaken up that ‘wow this is life? This is how people want us all to live. Just work then we die suddenly and they replace you as easy as a lightbulb. No sentiment or nothing.’

Over the course of the 3 days I kept seeing her face everywhere. Any blonde girl would startle me thinking ‘omg this nightmare is over!’. Then this tunnel vision dream-like state would take over and I would know reality was twisting the knife even tighter.
Vivid dreams were occurring so much I would wake up as if I hadn’t slept.

I would see this paisley carpet with Rachel lying there in her green work clothes and then Rachel knelt beside her mourning herself in the most horrendous wailing you can imagine. Each time the dream occurred something new was added. ‘Grief‘ Rachel would comb her lifeless self’s hair then a black feather fell from the one light coming from somewhere in the beyond above. Then the more I had the more black feathers rained down on her before she finally noticed them and looked up. I did not have the dream after that one but I clearly recall the sound of a crow cawing as she looked up.

I believe in some sort of animal spirt guides from out passed loved ones. My Mom is a robin, my childhood friend Katie is a blue butterfly and now…Rachel is a crow or raven. I wondered why was she that? I looked up the meaning of it and crows are symbolic for ‘sudden deaths’ or omens. Which mind boggled me!
Over this weekend crows have mobbed my backyard which they have never done before. One in particular would stare at me not phased by human contact. It was then I knew…Rachel has crossed over.

Rest In Peace

Strangers can leave a significant lesson or mark on your life. Even if it is such a short period of them being in your life.

How did you make friends? Well, you said ‘hi’ to a stranger and grew a relationship out of something that was nothing.
We were all strangers once my friends and I, so why not let strangers leave a mark on your life and valuable lessons.

🏵️Rest in peace to you all I’ve mentioned here.🏵️

I’ll miss you Rachel

Thank you all for reading

See you soon


Personal Growth: Life as an Empath

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Hello all you fabulous people of my blog!!

Hello everyone! Once again I find myself becoming overwhelmingly inspired to write another post. This time it is all about the life as an Empath. I have had this ‘gift’ if you’d call it that? I use that term so loosely because it is not a gift per-say just apart of me.
I have always had this ability to feel how others feel or read their body language much in-depth than the average person.

Now of course an average person can tell or read if someone is sad, happy, excited or mad but I sense the secret emotions. If you had something bothering you for weeks on end I would be able to pick up something is up despite it not effecting you on the surface.

Now this definition is to some degree me. I just do not sense ‘paranormal’ stuff just the emotional state and mental health status of people.
I can read people pretty well I just choose not to say it out loud because it could creep people out or catch them off guard.

Right now that was a long winded introduction so let’s get into it!!

My Powers

I started noticing my powers when I was 6 after the death of my Granddad. Everyone was grieving around me and I was a sponge to all of this at the time. I just expressed everyone’s pain, sadness and grief all at once, even my own.giphy

Over the years it was subtle things but it mostly showed when a traumatic event like a death occurring would cause it to explode out. Next death was my best friend’s she took me to the beach when I was 11 years old (she was too) and she had to explain to me in her own way that death was okay but I did not understand it at all. I WAS 11!!

To think an 11 year old her age was wise beyond her years explaining that she was ready for death baffles me nowadays. I recall a sense of confusion, nervousness but overall a deep sense of peace from that conversation with her. She was telling me all about me being the greatest best friend she could have ever asked for in her short life on Earth.
When I got the news about her passing I did not cry I was more mad that my Mom did not let me see her for the last time. Although I was not surprised as she did explain to me what was going to happen.
The weeks after that I was restless, sad, grieving and then I had my first paranormal experience 👻

Now at the beginning of this blog I did say I’ve never had any paranormal gifts. Which is true I don’t talk to spirits like a medium would I just feel people’s emotions when I’m near them. My paranormal experience was seeing my best friend sitting on my bed and asking me to follow her to the end of the stairs.giphy
I was talking to her asking her all the questions I wanted answered but she could not answer them. The light was bright at the top of the stairs and as she went up I had to let go of her hand I was holding.
When I woke up I was asleep on the steps of the stairs at first I thought it was a dream and I was sleep walking. Little did I know my Mom was watching everything from her bedroom as she was back home from a late night at the hospital.

She looked at me a little concerned because she could see something or someone holding my hand. The outline of a girl taking me to the base of the staircase. I told her it was Katie. She peeled my sleepy body off the stairs and took me to her bed to let me sleep for the night. Needless to say I did not go to school the next day.


I usually do not have the reverse effect of an empath. The weeks after my friend’s passing I was like this emanating aura of sadness. Anyone who came near me was either uncomfortable or confused (do not forget I was 11 years old) still learning to handle and express their own feelings.

As an empath I can sense the thickness, taste and feeling of someone going through a tough time. Recently I got news of someone I work with getting the news of his nephew taking his own life. Walking home in the rain I felt ill, hit by this wave of emotions and slight flashes of the nephew lying lifeless on his bed. I usually get the feeling when near someone never someone who has passed on. So this was new and scary for me.
Rain usually calms me so much but yesterday walking home it made me feel awful which made me realize that the nephew must have suffered from S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder). The weather may have a relaxing effect or little to no effect to me but to others it could be literally how they survive the day.

There were so many signs over the years that I was emphatic towards other but I never knew what an empath was until my late 20s. I am so thankful I know what it is rather than being poked and prodded at by doctors.
It is nice to know I am in control of my own life, mental health and thoughts since my anxiety disorder has subsided over the years.

If you are feeling suicidal or just feel like you need someone to talk to please use the following links:
Pieta House

Samaritans Ireland 
FreePhone:   116 123
Text: 087 2 60 90 90 (standard text rates apply)

Being There

My friends will always say “You are a really good listener!” or “You are so positive and bubbly your empathy shines through”. I try my best as a friend or even as a stranger to be a listening ear to those who cannot express their darkest emotions.


I have this ability to let people open up within a few minutes after saying ‘Hi’ to me. One time in my Slimming World group there was a new member and I introduced myself asked her what brought her to group. Before I knew it she was sobbing, tears streaming down her face and I took her into the little coffee kitchen we were given at the church center for our group. I calmed her down and made her some tea and she revealed her biggest tragedy to me a stranger a miscarriage that she had to have aborted. He told me her entire story from finding out her baby would not live until full term was just heartbreaking.
At the time Ireland was not legal to have abortions this is when the referendum was only campaigning. The referendum of abortion had not been passed yet (it has the YES side won! Will go into that another time so hold your horses) so she had to go to the UK to abort the dead fetus pretty much. To be told by a doctor that your baby is dead before you even have held it is beyond me because I have never experienced it but from what I have seen it looks like apart of your soul just dies with it.

Before introducing myself to this lady I was drawn to sit next to her for no apparent reason but that comes with my empath powers. I am drawn to people without even knowing it or I know when people need to be cut out of my life.

Cut the Line

There are times in my life and on this blog I have continuously mention cutting friends out, being abandoned by friends or having a friend who was so close then just fucks off a year later.

As an empath I can feel the negativeness of these people from the beginning but being optimistic and open minded let’s these vampires in 🧛‍♂️. Inviting such a dark and draining person into your life is one thing but as an empath it is like sucking every ounce of life I to be around them.
I know something is off the minute I meet someone but I’d rather get to know them first being making slight judgements because of a ‘feeling’.

Life is full of these types of people especially ones that will drag you down to just drain you of everything to make themselves feel better. One person in my life use to come over nearly everyday and she would order junk food, bring junk food and everything else you can think of. After she had been to the gym might I add 😒.
Looking back on it now I know this person was definitely making me fat, gluttonous and overweight just to make herself feel and look good. Even comments like ‘oh I am so fat’ pinches a half an inch of her flat stomach while saying this. Then I respond with ‘that’s not fat this is’ unknowingly falling into her trap I pointed at my stomach of chub.

Yes, I should have gone with my instinct much earlier but I learnt that not everyone wants what’s best for you. Since dumping that so-called friend out of my life I’ve a job internship which stops me sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. I’ve lost 2 stone (12kg) in weigh and I am eating so much more healthier without her in my life.
I have friends who I care for the most in all my life but with her it was as if I never saw them at all. My empath ability did warn me but my true awakening did not happen until I was between the ages of 16-21. Those years are blurry to me because I was in Foster Care most of those years.

Awakening of anew

To this day I cannot pinpoint my awakening of my empath powers 🤷‍♀️. I have always had them for as long as I can remember. I just resonate and connect with people of all kinds so much.
I know when to stop and not let negative people into my circle of trust. I know what pain, sorrow and deepest of depressions can feel like just being around someone who has experienced them. I never assume that the person would have depression or anything of the sort unless they wanted to openly tell me in confidence but I know that there would be something there.

Empathy is my strongest gift I have and it is a rare quality to find in 2018. I am glad mine have evolved into something great and wonderful 💫.
To be able to share it all with people around me really does create a world beyond imagination.

Thank you for reading!

See you all soon!


Mental Health: How ASMR helped my Panic Attacks

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There are many things going on in my life and I’ve come a long way from the helplessness of my past mental state.

How I wouldn’t be able to sleep endless nights because a panic attack would jolt me awake.

Nowadays I know how to keep myself relaxed, not overwhelmed and knowing your limit is the hardest thing to admit to yourself.

Things I’ve done to help myself sleep better at night is listen to ASMR videos. Some people find them creepy but you just got to find ones that suit your tingles.

Finding your Tingle

There are many kinds of ASMR out there. I usual like whispering ones or soft spoken videos give or take the theme of role play.

Now this is all in the goal of relaxation to clear my mind just enough to fall asleep.

I love the feeling of someone doing my makeup, witch shop, shop role-playing, getting my hair done, doctors checkups and spa treatments. Not too weird right? Just nice things that I don’t have to worry about as it’s in somebody else’s capable hands.

Everyone is different and you’ll find your own style of ASMR. 😌

ASMR Tubers I love!

When it comes to finding an ASMR channel keep an open mind there are so many out there.

Here are a few that I adore ❤️


This bright, cheerful goofball is an amazing ASMRist as they are called. Gibi has grown so much in the time I’ve been subscribed to her.

All because another YouTuber was reacting to her as a comical reaction video. Which in fairness was funny too. Then I started browsing her channel and her videos opened the new world of ASMR to me.


Her style is so well articulated and well spoken. She combines her love of cosplay, anime and gamin across her content 💙💙. I’m a fan of anime and gaming so seeing her spread her wings in two YouTube categories so easily is a refreshing site to see.Here are some of my favorite videos from Gibi:
Sleep Clinic
Hospital Check Up
Relaxing Spa Facial-

There are so many great videos by Gibi the list would be miles long haha 😂. Please do check out the videos and her channel. She’s the one that started it all for me ❤️🙏.

TingTing ASMR

Where do I even start with this ASMR YouTuber? She was a guest or collaboration with Gibi and I fell for her style of ASMR.

TingTing has a very relaxed voice compared to Gibi but they are both equally just as relaxing. Although TingTing has a beautiful Chinese accent and the slight mispronunciations of some English words just gives her character. It also just shows you how much effort she puts into her videos whilst learning a new language still.

I honestly cannot express how soft her whispering videos are and the fact she has a channel dedicated to just trigger tingles…amazing!

I do love her Chinese Royalty videos as you get to see the headdresses that Empresses and Princesses wear in China 🇨🇳.

I mean the work that must have gone into making the crown 👑 alone is just magical. That is dedication if I have ever seen one to make something so authentic.

Another fun fact about TingTing is she has an ear microphone. It has two foam ear filters and it works wonders if you are wanting to relax to sounds or touches on your ears. I could easily tell where she pressed even if I was not looking at the video. It’s a definite worth looking at!

Here are some of my favorite videos by TingTing ASMR:

Ear Mask (This is from her Tingle Channel)

Tingle Store

Empress Roleplay

TingTing has such a way with gentleness even when it’s a simple doctor role play or Tingle Shop video. I adore her so much and would highly recommend her channel! ❤

Latte ASMR

Another amazing YouTube find is Latte ❤

Latte is another Asian girl who does ASMR more accurately a Korean girl who does ASMR! Yes my diversity in ASMR is growing I must say and I’m opening up to different styles too.

Latte is a very sweet tempered girl and she has a very caring charismatic about her when she does here videos. I do love her ‘Healing Spa’ or ‘Ear Examination’ videos. What can I say I like visiting the doctor because I do not have to worry about it. It’s in their hands 🙂 which makes me relax more. That is why I enjoy different versions of Doctor ASMR.

Latte uses a two way microphone so if you do listen to her Ear examination or anything to do with close ear contact my advice is headphones are a MUST! I love the idea of someone cleaning my ears just satisfying to me. Now do not get me wrong I’ll clean my own ears in person thank you very much. Although I do suffer from a condition of Wax Build Up so once a year there will be an excess amount of wax in my ears and I would have to get it cleared by a GP. (Yay…thanks genetics)

More on about Latte she is a very unique style of doing her videos and it feels almost homely in a way. I feel like I can relax with this person even though she is just doing what she loves making videos.
Her recent video of a Witch’s Spa is very soothing and I have fallen asleep to many of here videos where I’d get to about the 5 minute mark and be knocked out for the night which is a relief.

Once again another ASMRist putting so much effort into her videos. Not only does Latte speak English in the videos she does. She also redoes it in Korean so everyone can enjoy 😊!

Here are some of Latte’s videos I love 💕:

Witch’s Spa

Doctor’s Annual Exam

Sleep Cafe

Goodnight Moon 🌙

This hidden gem was a random find on my part. I love my holistic stuff and was wondering if there was a Witchy ASMR video I could listen to. Low and behold Goodnight Moon came into my feed.

Now I will admit I have not listened to her work as much as the others as I am a newbie subscriber. So I am only learning about her from the videos I have seen and really enjoyed.

Let me tell ya if you thought TingTing was determined to make things authentic you have no idea what’s coming. Moon makes her entire Witch shop, camera angles and potions to a tee!! Making it authentic is one thing but this is a whole new level of awesome!

This is not to say the others do not do as much effort but its nice to see that her aesthetic is props and costumes more so than a green screen and fancy mics. It’s nice to see variety in people’s styles of ASMR. Moon is still an newcomer on my list here and I will listen to here more but here are the videos that I adored!

Witch Shop (1 hour)-

Potion Brew-

Witchy Shop

Peaceful Sleep

So there ya have it 😀 my secret to preventing panic attacks. Now I have had a long journey to reach this point of recovery.

Please seek professional help if you are suffering from panic attacks, anxiety, stress, depression etc. I have been to professionals and I asked to not be put on any medication as I knew the other methods would suit me best.
That being said if you feel the medication would suit you go ahead its your body not mine. Only you know what is wrong with it and what is best for you.

I have done therapy, mindfulness and then ASMR came into play while I was seeking a new therapist (as my old one moved away). Best thing to come into my life to be honest.

If you ever do feel like you need help but do not have the money to do so, please contact Samaritan’s. They are a free counseling service and not just a suicidal hotline, which I found out about on a visit there.

If you are not of Ireland, UK, Scotland or Wales please look into your countries free services to just have someone to talk to.

After all of that I bid you all a farewell 😀

See you next time!


Updates Galore!!

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Hello all you fabulous people of my blog!!

Yes it’s been awhile since I have been posting here. I’ve got a job first and foremost!! It’s like a paid internship. Also the Facebook page is booming with Tarot goodness and I’ve started a YouTube channel towards all the Tarot vibe goodies I get.

I’ve started a Podcast 💞!!

Check out the new Podomatic episode! Episode 2: The Twilight Years

Irishgirlvibes YouTube Channel 🙏💜

I’ve been hesitant for too long because I did not have my own neash. My thing. My spark ✨!

I was just trying too hard to be something I’m not and Tarot brings me joy and warm fuzziness 😍💞

So please support me here in my WordPress blog. It’s the origin of all of this. Subscribe to my channel new videos will be up soon ❤️. Thank you all so much!

New blog posts will be on the way too just juggling work, social life, podcasts, Tarot and YouTube all at once 🤣.

See you all soon


Dieting: Binge Eating Phases

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I have been putting this journal off for so long for stupid reasons. Majority was due to minor losses or maintains of my weight.

Then due to the events in Hard Times I’ve been spiraling back into my old habits of binge eating.
Laziness is taking over and takeaway is becoming a meal far too often. Let’s dive in some more shall we.


Chipping Away

Now I am alright with hacking away at my weight in half pounds as that is still a lot. In perspective its a block of butter!! I encourage my comrades in group its a loss nonetheless.

I was happy until the second half pound popped up on those scales. I know I am being too hard on myself, but my younger teen self was sobbing on the inside. I’ve always struggled with my weight never been smaller than a size 18 (UK) I have always been the ‘fat friend’.


Moments like that your mental state takes a shift off balance and you are back listening to Linkin Park in a mope. I have had my anxiety tell me things like “you’ll never be skinny”, “You’ll never be good enough for anyone” or “You cannot even love yourself”.

I fought so much that I did not want all my progress to be taken away from me. Then the maintains started to roll in 😦 .



This is where you don’t go up or down on the scales. I have started a new job and its only 3 days a week but what was working before is not doing so anymore.
I’d be starving by lunchtime that I have a massive Subway sandwich and then I’d skip dinner because of the guilt.


My mind struggled with the right balance and since then I would have a big meal my mind goes “Oh dear you ate a MASSIVE lunch you don’t NEED Dinner”.

So I’d settle for tea and a Hifi Bar as…”dinner”.

Then my guilt turned to a depressed starvation state that I would order takeaways but the comfort eating did not start there.

The teetering started when I was robbed and its crazy how the mind works to be honest.

Mental Frame

Your frame of mind is everything!! You can be so into losing weight that it’ll shed off easily. When your mind suffers your body does too.
I feel like I have been avoiding my therapy and my daily food diaries for Slimming World.

I hate disappointing people despite feeling how I do. Now my therapist was away for 2 weeks on holidays so that is understandable but I cancelled a session to hangout with a friend. I always put others before myself and it annoys the heck out of me. I feel like since the robbery, my friend attempting suicide and starting this job I’ve been so shaken up. I have neglected my mental frame of mind.

(Update: I did go see my therapist last week! I used all the lessons from CBT over the course of the month. I thanked her so much for all she’s taught me so I got her a box of chocolates)

Following the Leader

After my recent weight in, I was disheartened as it was yet another maintain. It was the second week in a row. I stayed this week for group I had to leave due to an appointment but I was so immensely lost from not staying for the talk. giphy

I had an intense heart to heart with my Slimming World leader as it was written all over my face that the constant maintain was discouraging me.
We stayed on for a while as she packed up the gear for another week. I got a shopping list of new treats to try, a new magazine with recipes and full of energized support.

The next step will be fitting Gym schedule or fitness class again into my new routine.



I’ve managed to lose just under 2 stone just from walks alone and food control.
Since I have started this job I’ve lost 3 days of exercise to walk and my local gym has a great Pass which I might purchase (includes all access to classes too). Either that or start up my Zumba classes again.

We shall see how it pans out.

Positive Energy

In the end I have come through the rough patch and I will climb out of this rut. Keep going strong!!


A lot of positive things did happen during that foggy period actually. I was nominated for Woman of the Year by my Slimming World group. Winning is not everything but the nomination was a good sentiment just knowing even at my lowest my group sees me at my best.

I will reach my 10 stone loss in the future I just want to reach at least a size 18 or 20 (UK sizes) for now before getting to my finishing line.


Keep Positive!

We all come from different walks of life and struggles.